Is THIS Pimpin’, Pimpin’?

What in the name of tomfoolery is going on? Is there some new trend out there where celebrities just break in to folks home and steal for sport? First, OJ (and please don’t even start me on the list of idiotic things he’s done) and now Katt Williams? I mean to be real, this hurts my heart because this is a man that I genuinely find to be hilarious and Pimp Chronicles can still bring the laughter-induced tears to my eyes. But what brought me to laugh even harder is this fool’s mug shot (see above). OMG, are you serious!

According to CNN News, Katt is accused of stealing $3,500 worth of jewelry and collectible coins from a rural west Georgia home. Say what? That’s it? Unless he’s getting done dirty on all his stand-up DVD deals and movie appearances, I would think that Katt wouldn’t be hurting for 3.5 Gs, unless, like OJ, these items had some sentimental value. Either way, no excuse for him to use a crowbar and illegally enter someone’s home. Come on! And Katt, I’m going to need you to let me know why you thought this was a smart thing to do. And in your own words, “Don’t worry… I’ll wait!”

And with that, we roast.

Katt, Take your own advice and have some SELF esteem, its esteem of yo’ muthaeffin self! Boom. Roasted.

Katt, your hair is looking a bit UN-luxurious, don't you agree? Boom. Roasted.

Katt, looks like you sweated out your press running from the police. Boom. Roasted.

Katt, if you needed the money that bad, why didn’t you pawn your pimp cup or your Dipset chain? Boom. Roasted.

Katt, you are a miscreant after all. Boom. Roasted.

The Ignoramus known as Plies

I mean really, what can I say? He roasts himself each time he opens his nasty ass mouth. The only time I was able to sit through a full four minutes of this soundtrack from a modern day minstrel was the first time that I heard his “Bust it Baby.” I sat there listening in a stupidity-induced coma as my ears were raped and my time and brain cells were stolen. And believe me, I want to press charges.

And then this fool comes out with this new song “Becky.” I was totally bothered upon hearing this trash, but imagine my irritation when I found out exactly what Becky is. (I dare not say here. But Google “What is Becky plies” and you too will know if you don’t already). Let’s just say if someone was hollerin’ at me like Plies for some Becky, all demanding and such, the next thing he would be hollerin’ for is an ambulance.

I really did not want to even give him the time of day in my blog; however, my abhorrence for this guy is so strong, I could not leave him unroasted.

And with that, we roast:

Plies, Radio had a better looking grill than you. Made more sense than you too. Boom. Roasted.

Plies, the sooner you do something to get yourself locked up, the better off the music industry will be. Boom. Roasted.

Plies, please don’t reproduce. It must stop somewhere. Boom. Roasted.

Plies, your real name is Algernod Lanier Washington. Boom. Roasted.

Plies, you set Black folks back 150 years. Thanks! Signed, the “Man.” Boom. Roasted.

Plies, Juvenile called and said he gonna fuck you up for telling everybody you was him so you could get your foot in the front door. Boom. Roasted.

Plies, the devil called. He said he’s using your music to set the mood for hell. Does he owe you royalties? Boom. Roasted.

Plies, maybe if you pose as Kirk Franklin you can get into heaven after all. Boom. Roasted. (See below)

Lamar, Lamar, Lamar…smh

“Now what now?” I asked this question as I was listening to the radio last week and heard that Lamar Odom had caught himself a Kardashian. That question was followed by “Oh HELLLLL NO!” when I heard that said Kardashian was none other than Khloé Kardashian. I mean, let’s be real, Lamar is no looker himself. As my mother would say he’s kind of “doompty” but he actually has potential (i.e. the funds) to cop a more attractive woman/star (i.e. the other Kardashian or Taraji P. Henson whom he was courting just weeks before he met Kholé). Supposedly he also proposed to Taraji who basically said “Ninja Please!” in her best Yvette from Baby Boy voice. Before I get assaulted by the folks who believe looks are not everything, let me also address the fact that he knew the girl for 30 days. There are infomercial product trial periods that last longer than that. Wouldn't you want to try out your "life partner" for a little longer buddy? You’re not fooling anyone, Lamar. I see you trying to get a reality show or some sort of celebrity status and I’ve already started a petition with every network in hopes of you not getting it. Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids!

And with that, we roast:


Lamar, wtf. Boom. Roasted.

Lamar, Taraji called and she said that chick is going to look older than Benjamin Button. Boom. Roasted.

Lamar, you didn’t give her half your money but she took all of your dignity. Boom. Roasted.

Lamar, some of those shots you put up made me question your eye sight but now I'm genuinely concerned. Boom. Roasted.

Lamar, the results are in. Unfortunately your kids will indeed look uglier than the both of you. Boom. Roasted.

Wait, sorry Lamar, I was wrong. You won't be married long enough to have kids. Boom Roasted.

Lamar Odom. The 3rd best Laker married the 3rd best Kardashian. Boom. Roasted.

Lamar. You chose the fat one over Taraji? Even Stevie wonder can see that’s a bad look. Boom. Roasted.

Lamar, I would have chosen Taraji. Did you not feel her wrists? Signed, Ray Charles. Boom. Roasted.

And now for our first roast... JaMarcus Russell

You may know this man as the current Oakland Raiders quarterback. I know JaMarcus Russell as the weakest link. I mean what other player do you know to get booed every time he steps on the field... by his OWN "FANS." Although I should present last season's and this season's stats, my case can be argued from the stats of this week's game against the Denver Broncos alone as they seemingly represent the degree of "suckiness," if you will, from the "Talented, strong-armed QB who was the No. 1 overall pick in 2007 NFL Draft by the Raiders" (raiders.com) . He completed 12 of 21 passes for 61 yards with only 3 completions in the second half. He threw 2 interceptions and was sacked 3 times. This season he has the league record in LOWEST percentage completion and LOWEST passer rating. I guess he holds the record in something.

And with that, we roast:

JaMarcus, your dentist called. Good news! Said you breath doesn't stank nearly as bad as your game. Boom. Roasted.

JaMarcus. Our end zone is that way. Boom. Roasted.

JaMarcus. You're too big to play so small. Boom. Roasted.

JaMarcus. Mike Vick called after your performance. He said thank you. Boom. Roasted.

JaMarcus. Terminix called. They said they're going to fumigate your head to clear out the cobwebs. Boom. Roasted.

Dear JaMarcus, Please do not to do anymore interviews. You are hurting the children. Signed, Bert & Ernie. Boom. Roasted.

JaMarcus, I saw your job on Craigslist. "Oakland Raiders looking for quarterback, ages 8-57. Position MUST be filled immediately." Boom. Roasted.

Somethings roasting... but its not your morning cup of coffee!

This blog was created for one purpose and one purpose only... and that is to roast! I am not holding back a thing and no one is exempt from getting roasted. From your favorite dumb ass celebs to the morbidly obese woman in the line of the grocery store in front of me, all is fair in love and roasting. I hope you laugh as hard as I do, if not, find the closest bridge and jump. Boom. Roasted.